6 Ways to Address Conflict

I recently re-engaged with a good colleague to co-facilitate some leadership programmes we had previously run face to face and now re-designed for zoom. Both experienced facilitators we had worked well together in the “old world”, but on our initial day of virtual delivery for me, something was off.

I experienced my colleague as controlling and dominating. My response was to internally feel annoyed whilst externally quietening down and being compliant. During a break, she gave me some feedback suggesting I manage the participants more like her. I responded defensively. Internally i was rebelling and thought “what a cheek, how dare she control my way of facilitating.”

At the end of the day, we discussed how things had gone. We had had timing issues and what ensued was an almost tit for tat childish spat, each accusing the other of allowing the time to slip. Our conversation was conducted in a polite, respectful way, with smiles and even laughter, but underneath I was upset. Our behaviour was the epitome of in-direct aggression, and it felt far from safe to explore this with each other. After the call, I felt exhausted, de-skilled and worried about working with my colleague for the rest of the programme.

What followed was a valuable reflection and learning process, which then led to me eventually having a conversation with my colleague that effectively addressed the challenges we experienced.

That evening, I was pre-occupied by what had happened and found myself sharing with my partner over supper. I knew I needed a further conversation with my colleague and resolved to contact her the next day to resolve the situation as soon as possible.

The next day I found I was still upset and even blaming her for the how things had been. Realising I was “triggered” still and my ego was reacting, I knew it was too soon to speak to her. As a professional coach, I participate in supervision and had a call coming up on the Monday. It would really help to unpack what had happened in my supervision, but could I last that long and not speak to her? I decided I could. In making that decision, my over-analysis ceased, and I enjoyed a peaceful and relaxed weekend.

What opened up from sharing in supervision was how powerful a trigger could be when it hooks into a part of ourselves way back in our past. During the conversation, when listening to my supervisors warm, gentle questions, I realised a dynamic had emerged with my colleague that took me right back to being a child and my relationship with my mother, who could at times be very dominating and controlling. Recognising, this allowed me to see the whole situation from a completely different perspective. There were some facts about the situation that really helped. My co-facilitators behaviour had been dominating, and I had complied with this, which fed into our dynamic being perpetuated. I was a skilled and talented facilitator capable of having an “adult” conversation with her. I was not a child anymore, but my inner child had valid needs. My colleague was a good woman, who I knew would be receptive.

Working through this process enabled me to let go of my ego. I felt calm and empowered to have a constructive conversation. This enabled us to both see and acknowledge the “game’ that had been going on, take responsibility for our parts in it and agree how we could move forward in a much more open and collaborative way. The impact this had on how we worked together in our next co-facilitation was transformational. We both were both freed up to express ourselves fully and work fluidly. Trust was restored.

So why have I shared this in what has turned out to be quite a long blog post? I believe the learning in this process has been profound and demonstrates what we go through when we find ourselves in conflict. The key points that come through for me in dealing with such conflict are:

1) Be aware of yourself, notice how you are reacting and observe what might be causing this both internally and externally.

2) Don’t jump in - jumping in when emotionally charged or triggered will only perpetuate the game you are in and worsen the conflict. If you need to in the moment, take a breath, pause, even if this means ending the conversation for now .

3) Step back, reflect, seek an objective perspective and allow time for this to settle. Doing so increases the chance to let go of your ego and the emotional attachment to being right.

4) Look for the potential in the person you conflict with. They are a human being with feelings and needs also.

5) Be responsible for your part. Share your perspective using “I” statements and own your behaviour and how it contributes.

6) Set a positive intention for the conversation you are about to have. What we focus on grows, and if our energy is focussed on good, then we are giving ourselves an optimum chance to be so.